Road Trip or Post Where I Italicize A LOT.

"Mama-Face’s Guide to Traveling in The ‘Burban for 1800 (give or take) Miles."

Sit in the middle row of seats. Front row seats are reserved for the Driver and Tall One. Especially when Tall One throws up if he reads even so much as the digital clock on the dashboard.  

Do not sit in the third row. This is not a 'real' row of seats. It is merely ornamental; but it is just the right size for ‘lil dub.

Always have your own pillow and a sweatshirt and/or blankie. (Note: If you are anything like ‘lil dub you will need every blanket from your actual bed). While it may be 104 degrees outside, no one is going to agree on the correct temperature of the air conditioning inside.

As for the pillow, my advice is to bring a pillow you like, but not necessarily LOVE. Comfortable enough to smoosh your face into when trying to sleep, thick enough to muffle your screams of terror, (this only if you are the backseat driving queen from h-e-double toothpicks, aka, me), squishy enough to stuff against the window when trying to sleep, small enough to fit on your lap while also holding your laptop, book, purse, magazines, and white cheddar popcorn, yet large enough to shove under your butt when that one cheek starts aching, fluffy enough to make into a ball to lean over into and try for the love of pete to get some sleep. The pillow will also be touched, perhaps even USED, by EVERY PERSON in the car; food will spill on it, feet will step on it, it may even fall out of the car onto crusty, dirty pavement at some point during your trip. Make sure this pillow is not your bestest. (Do you have a favorite pillow? So do I!)  

Wear sweatpants. I know, I know, they are sloppy, they are trashy looking, and maybe you look like you just don’t give a crap about your appearance. But have you seen your fellow ‘travelers’ at the gas station or Arby’s? They gave up a long ago; why waste a decent pair of jeans on them? Plus, sweat pants make all that ‘sucking in your stomach’ unnecessary. I am not a doctor, but all that sucking cannot be beneficial for your digestive system. Plus, a good dark pair of sweats are very difficult to stain; so go ahead and eat all the chocolate and greasy foods you want/can. (Yet another reason for the less than favorite pillow). It took me all these years to allow myself to wear sweats while traveling. Sadly, I am not joking about that. 

Stop often. There are many reasons for stopping often; chiefly among them is the fact that the ‘Burban gets a good 4.5 mpg on the highway; if there are no hills or headwind. 

Stopping every 2 hours has other advantages as well. It is a good opportunity to be amazed by the Driver’s ability to maneuver a 50 foot long, 7 foot wide beast into a space designed for a Volkswagen Beetle. (New version or old.) Okay, so you know how when you are in a gas station and you see one of “those people” trying to squeeze their perfect example of human absurdity into the exact spot you need to be or perhaps you are attempting to back your vehicle out of a parking stall and maybe they are infringing upon your space causing you curse at them and call them bad names? Well, this is a good time to practice the golden rule. And for gosh sakes, get out of the way! This is also a good time to not look out the window. (See window tip.)

Stopping often also provides the opportunity for a pit stop, if you know what I mean. (Make sure to convince ‘lil dub that he does need a potty break.) First, though, try to peer into the store unobtrusively to size up the situation. Try to assess whether there are possibly restrooms clean enough for human usage and/or if they carry any decent magazines (see next tip). You would be surprised at the number of slimy, disgusting, vomit inducing, gas stations out there in travel-land. All the world is not Disneyland. (What is it with ‘not flushing the toilet’? (I want that explained to me, yet I don’t)). That’s the cold hard (disgusting) truth.

Speaking of digestive systems...one of the truly great things about towing a travel trailer is that what you are essentially towing is a TOILET. Besides the state of some rest stops, there are times when you gotta go when there just ain’t anyplace to go. (A fact well known by those who have traveled the desert southwest. Nary a tree to be found for miles.) (Not that my nervous digestive system can make anything come out in, around or behind any size of tree.) And don’t forget the PEPTO. (Dear Wal-Mart in some small town somewhere: I’m sorry.) Like I said, do not leave home without the PEPTO.

Do not look out the window. In any direction. Driver will thank you, your heart will thank you, and yes, your digestive system will thank you. It does not help anyone to point out every near miss, every close call, every finger flipping you see. Looking out the window does not cause time to pass any faster. Looking out the window only reminds you how far you still have to go. Metaphorically and Realistically speaking. Keep your head in a book, or a magazine (I recommend People-it’s like gossiping; only about people you don’t actually know (other than a certain blogger I ‘know’ who does hang out with famous people)), or a movie played on your laptop. You could even take a nap, if that is what works for you. (See pillow talk above.) I know I would much rather stay awake for the full 36 hours (in total) myself. 

Here’s my tally of what I accomplished while NOT looking out the window:

2 books; Chocolat and Olive Kitteridge. I recommend both.

5 magazines; 2 People, 1 Us, 1 Self, and 1 “O”. “O” is for Oprah, the magazine, not the person. I have no idea how that magazine made it into my stash. (Note to self: Traveling with the real Oprah would make for a great post. Must call Gayle.)

5 movies: Dan in Real Life, Becoming Jane, Baby Mama, Penelope, and Enchanted. I don’t watch R-rated movies with ‘lil dub around. Even if he can’t hear them. Call me crazy. (Question: Why do I not own every James McEvoy movie? Alas, Atonement is not a travel movie...rated R.)

1 maybe 2 maybe 10 times I freaked out after watching us almost take out a gas pump/street sign/biker/small vehicle. An infinitely smaller number than if I had been looking out the window. 

3: total number of actual trees, (cacti does not count), seen between town X and town Y. hahahahahaha. I just threw that in there, and I’m the only one who finds that funny, and I don’t care. I wasn’t even looking out the window, remember?

A gazillion: total of failed attempts for a nap. 

Last but not least in my guide to a successful road trip is my tip that you be prepared to...

INJEST LARGE AMOUNTS OF FOOD YOU WOULD NOT EAT IN ANY OTHER SITUATION. 

You will not eat it because you like it, or want to, or need to, or are being force fed. You eat it because you are

BORED. So very very very bored.

(examples of correct pillow usage)

Another possible idea for a successful road trip would be going the other route, (pun intended), and embarking on your journey with a “good attitude”. 

MuwahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

I’M BAAAAAAAAAACK.

Stay tuned for further installments of the “Family Road Trip”.