Random Thankful Thoughts

It's Random Thought Tuesday and that can mean only one thing...I am in the ZONE.

So, lil dub is going to school today. Wonder of Wonders, Miracles of Miracles. If he gets off the toilet. What takes him so long in the bathroom? I don't wanna know. The longer he spends singing to himself while in there doing his business the more likely the toilet will be clogged. Just so you know--I cannot, do not, and will not, UNCLOG toilets. I will put a sign on the door directing people, (usually family members; we don't get too many drop in...bahaha-drop in... customers), to another bathroom before I will even consider bringing out the plunger. Update...he's at school!!! Now if I can just not have a mini panic attack myself every time the phone rings. Update #2 The toilet isn't clogged! (bahaha #2! get it?)

I haven't been doing the bloggy-hop much this morning yet as I don't wanna inadvertently plagiarize any of your goings on. But............I've seen a lot of Thankful Lists popping up the past couple o' days. What is that about? I hate feeling left out; gosh knows I've had my fill of that particular emotion, so I have compiled a list of my own. A list that is compiling off the top of my head (where not much is going on) right now:

These guys...My Beautiful Babies...even Mr. Toilet Clogger.

Our Home...which currently looks like a picture postcard from the deep south because it hasn't decided to be winter here just yet. I will take the sunshine...but we sure need the snow. (Time for a Christmas Wreath, dontcha' think?) Notice my need for symmetry. Kinda OCD. ps. It also looks quite a bit like an old folks home; which it kinda is.

In the words of Thomas Jefferson:

"I cannot live without books."
(Not one of his more prolix quotations. But he got it right.)

Self-explanatory, right?
(Yep, I LOVE me my Panda Express. NOT.)

Speechless...

Wait; there's more...the hubs OF COURSE, (no picture, cuz I can't seem to find one that doesn't include me and I'm not feeling too pretty right now)...my faith, (it's on my sidebar; not my actual FAITH per se: but where you will find me every Sunday)...Diet Dr. Pepper...my Hysterectomy (and believe me that deserves to be on this list; I only wish I had a photo of my dysfunctional uterus. You do too, I know it.)...blogging; and I am not ashamed to admit it anymore...my bed, the most glorious temperpedic king sized slice of heaven...the fact that I have had the opportunity to be a SAHM more often than not...clean bathroom facilities (as long as Mr. T.C. hasn't been there)...nice cars...my extended family, though I don't show it nearly often enough...having DVR once again (I can watch the last episode of Jon and Kate as many times as I want now)...btw Jon is a frikken bratloserwannabefamousa*$hole. oops. I have strayed off the Thankful Track. That can only mean...

I have used too many dot dot dots. And I have many many things to be Thankful for. I am truly blessed.

See, I'm not always a big ol' whiney baby. I am actually quite a funny, nice, you would want to hang around with me if you had the chance, person.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Mama-Face

Stream This Consciouness

I've got pretty much nothing in me today. Other than the need for blog. The itch that must be scratched. The you gotta have it. The you want more of it. The most surprising, most mind boggling, experience in my life. (Other than the birthing of my babies.) It's inexplicable. It's a legalized drug.  Blogging has revealed the many faces of Mama-Face. It's a mirror reflecting what I knew but didn't know. I am addicted to B.L.O.G.

Somedays I draw a blank, somedays I can't get the words out fast enough. Most days I am surprised by the end result. Somedays that is a good thing, somedays not.

So..............(buttons on your underwear)...........

I pulled off the NICE thing this weekend. (fist bump)  I maintained a modicum of composure. I had a mini breakdown in the pantry this morning, but other than that...well, dang it,  I still don't feel like being nice, but that's okay, 'cause I don't have to.

lil dub has done it again and has missed another Monday of school. I am beginning to think that he thinks Mondays are optional. Well, Mama-Face put her mean face on this morning and gave him a talking to, a dressing down, and here's the real deal lecture. I shouted. I spoke in no uncertain terms. I switched from 3rd person to 1st in 1 second flat. And lil dub has done it again and has missed another Monday of school. Oh yeah, I said that already.

As I mentioned I had a little crying it out moment earlier but didn't mention that it was while talking to Lady J. I hate to do that to my children; they don't need my crap unloaded on them. I hadn't intended to do so, it just happened as things do; mostly by accident. Then she sends me an email that I was going to share today, but I have an old tag lying around instructing me to share what a "True Authentic Mom" I am, (gag, choke, turn blue, cough up a chunk of guilt), which I have not felt like in forever, so I do believe I will save her letter for that post. That's about as planned out a post as you will ever see from me. If I get around to doing it. (I am THE WORST with Awards, Tags, Giveaways, etc., (though I have won 2 books-both from sitting on the mood swing-which is purely coincidental cuz she uses the random picker outer), and I usually just write what is circulating around my thought channels at any given moment. I think it's called "Stream of Consciousness". Which sounds way cooler than it is.

I've had a song stuck in my head all day...

Baby (that's you, my blogging baby) I need your lovin'

baby I need your lovin'

Although you're never near (you might be next door or a thousand miles away)

your voice I often hear (in my head as I read your posts)

Another day, another night, I long to hold you tight (in a non sexual way)

'Cause I'm so lonely (in my thoughts)

Some say it's a sign of weakness for a man (blogger) to beg

Then weak I'd rather be

If it means havin' you to keep

'Cause lately I've been losin' sleep

(yep, that sounds about right; though I have been sleeping just fine)

Oh yea, when you see me smile you know, things have

gotten worse

Any smile you might see has all been rehearsed (okay, that is just profound)

Darlin' I can't go on without you, this emptiness won't let me

live with out you (so keep on posting and commenting so I won't feel empty)

This loneliness inside me darlin' makes me feel half alive (see above)

Baby, I need your lovin' (and followin')

I got to have your lovin' (and commentin')

Baby, I need your lovin' (and awardin' even though I'm a space case and forget to pass 'em on)

Got to have all your lovin' (what else can I say? I NEED your lovin')

Why is it that the symptoms of depression include loss of appetite and overeating, an inability to sleep and sleeping too much? (Now, how's that for some stream of consciousness?)

Oh yeah, go check out Erin @ The Mother Load and enter her "Green Giveaway" (which just reduced my chances of winning, but what can I say?, I'm a giver that way). In order to earn myself another chance at winning I need to tell you how GREEN I am. But, I've got nothing original. I recycle. I turn out lights. I turn off the water when brushing my teeth. I never wash the dog. I never go anywhere, thus using little gas, I rarely cook, thus using less power, (mine or non-renewable), and I am GREEN with envy at how cool Erin is. (I just scored myself two more entries for sure!)

Sunday Stealing #2

Oh, the joy of Sunday Stealing. It feeds the rebellious side of me; after all breaking a commandment on a Sunday seems extra devilish; oh yeah, I am over the top in my acts if rebellion. What I love the most about Sunday Stealing is that it feeds the randomness in me; a hunger that needs constant nourishment, both body and soul. AND it is brainless-nuff said.

My favorite part...the nature of the questions bounce back and forth like a tennis match. Serious to ridiculous, meaningful to irrelevant. LOVE IT!!!! It's a glimpse to the inside of my head 24/7.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Toni S.- we were next door neighbors when we were young marrieds and we became the best of friends. (Still are.) Also whatshername, a girl I met when I first went away to college, (just after colleges were invented), who not only had the same birthday, but was born in the same hospital! I thought there was something familiar about her...

2. Where was your first kiss? On my lips and the lips of my preferred sex.

3. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? If yes, why? I'm sure at some point in my life I have hit a male, (the opposite sex for me), but I don't believe it was ever out of anger. More out of flirting. I do not know how a male could ever get away with answering Yes to this question for any reason. Something to think about.

4. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? When? Only in groups, and I completely lip synched my way through. I really could and should be a cast member of "GLEE". (Wednesday nights; Fox network.)

5. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? hahaha. Let me get the laughter over the
 term 'preferred sex' over with. It makes complete sense, yet it still makes me laugh. bahahahahahaha. Coming up for air. Maybe somedays I would prefer to hang out with the same sex, i.e., a GNO, but that doesn't mean I would prefer to have sex with them. Something to think about.

Oh, what do I notice? um...it's a combination of the eyes and the smile. I can't 'splain it.

6. What really turns you off? BODY ODOR.

7. What is your biggest mistake? Not getting a college degree. Checking that 'some college' box kills me every time.

8. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Interesting...I impede my own progression and I suppose that does hurt me.

9. Say something totally random about yourself. See what I mean about serious to ridiculous? Random is me...when I see patent leather I feel a compulsion to lick it.

10. Has anyone ever said you looked a celebrity? I am the every person. I am mistaken for somebody that somebody knows nearly every time I am out and about. Kinda makes me a celebrity, don't you think?

11. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? NO, WITH THE EMPHASIS ON NO.

12. Are you comfortable with your height? Depends on the situation; I'd like to be shorter on an airplane. I'd like to be taller at the grocery store. (I'm 5'5", fyi)

13. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? bahaha. Again I have to laugh...okay...I think the most romantic thing that my P.S. (the hubs) has ever done for me is to have always been my greatest cheerleader. My best friend. My rock. My best example of the best P.S. I know.

14. When do you know it's love? You just do. Really, you just do. You spend HOURS talking about anything, everything and nothing; you never stop thinking about what's best for them and you always want to be near your P.S. lover.

15. What's something that really annoys you? Insincerity. Sexism. Oh, yeah, and repetitive clicking, tapping, popping noises.

Another Sunday Stealing has come and gone. Woot WOOT.

ps. I am having computer issues currently. If you have noticed how sporadic my visits have been, please forgive me and I will be back sooooooooon. That is, IF this dumb computer problem gets fixed; if not I will curl up and DIE. I am NOT being overdramatic about that. I may not even have ANY access to a computer for a while...it's an iffy situation. I'm squeezing out this post because A. I am selfish & B. the hubs is gone for a bit and isn't here working on said problem. It's complicated. I think I've made that much clear already.

Blog Therapy Session

This post could be a teensy weensy itty bitty negative. Surprise, Surprise...


I am in a schlump. A frumpy, dumpy, grumpy, schlumpity mess. Emphasis on pity.

Did it help that this week started off badly with Fake Sick Monday? (If you’re new here then scroll down and skim the previous post...and if you are a newbie, why aren’t you following? hmmm) I’m not going to belabor the lil dub issue; because I am tired of him taking over MY blog and I have decided, with your help and some thought of my own, that this is a phase he’s going through. He may be sensitive, he may lie and not even realize it, he may drive me out of my ever living mind at times. But I can’t let him overtake all of my thoughts until I become absolutely useless, to him or anyone else. I’m going to be tougher and stop thinking that everything going on with him is my fault; that he will not grow up to be as wonderful as my other children. Stop it with your laughing. Yeah, well, I am certainly going to try. 

Did it help that I spent 4 hours Tuesday waiting for the Dish Network guy to come install and set up the said Dish Network? Nearly drove me to crazytown. They gave me the window of 12-4 in which he had to show up. So, I ran around the house trying for some semblance of neatness, moving laundry baskets of crap out of any room with a T.V. in it, all before 12. Then I waited. Never really relaxing. Checking the window every time I had to pee; making sure the truck wasn’t at the curb yet, giving me ample time to take care of business. Once I get worried that I will be caught with my pants down so to speak, of course all I can think of is peeing. So I stop drinking any liquids. (As opposed to solids?)

Did it help that I spent A LOT of time on the computer that day; over kill as a matter of fact? I have dry eye, (oh the spasmotic joy of aging), and too much time on the computer in one given stretch of time makes eyes burn and sting until I want to scratch them out with my chewed to the nub fingernails? I could not do the laundry cuz I might not hear the doorbell. (Yeah, I just complained about NOT being able to do laundry.) Just when I’ve reached the UPPER limit of my patience, HE, the Dish Dude, shows up at 3:50. I always picture service men sitting in the cabs of their trucks or vans, parked just around the corner. They’re kicking back and chewing tobacco, chatting it up on the company cell phone; waiting until the last possible minute to show up. As if they weren’t on other calls. I have time to dream up these scenarios, because I have spent much too much time waiting.

Did it help that I have the patience of a 2 year old and that waiting wears me out? I’d made no dinner preparations, not knowing or understanding that once he finally arrived here, he’d be setting up the system for close to 3 hours. I watched youtube videos with lil dub for about an hour (more computer time) and if that ain’t enough to make you want to blow your brains out I don’t know what it is. 

Did it help that I couldn’t even dream up any sort of excuse of a post during Dish Network Day because I was so distracted? Not even a simple meme? You’d be surprised by my need for quiet to crank out my words of wonder and ponderability. 

Did it help that I’ve started upteen jillion posts and come up with NADA? Imagining you, my fellow bloggers frolicking about blogtown with your quick-witted posts and comments has been frankly a bit depressing. My commenting has been oh so so-so. My Mo just ain’t Jo-ing. 

So……….this morning I felt extra Blahish; with a capital B, as is indicated by my usage of a capital B. I did not want to run; but knew that I’d regret it if I didn’t. Here is another source of my funky mood; I’ve been running for awhile; ramping it up a notch even, and the fat mid section of mine is exploding. I am the Pillsbury Dough Woman. My back fat has back fat. Why do I keep killing myself if I’m just gonna look like I sit on my butt all day? I might as well be relaxing and eating cookies all day long; I'd be in the same elastic waist yoga pants I'm in now. The waistband of my normal pants cuts into my fat, but you can’t even tell if I own a butt. THIS keeps me awake at night. 

Back to the not wanting, yet forcing myself anyway for my own good, morning slog run. I got all geared up in my running/bank robbing attire, started walking out the door while untangling the earphone cords, stuck the R one in the right ear, the L one in the left (betcha didn’t know I knew what those initials stood for), switched on the ipod and ARGH!!!!!; crap, double crap, & extra triple crap, my ipod is broken. Not out of battery...b r o k e n. I was p i s s e d. 

I considered skipping the running, but screamed hecka no in my head, left the durn thing by the door, and took off anyway. Well, three steps down the road what I’ve long suspected became a known quantity. I am entirely dependent on my ipod for any motivation to run. I was a slug. I plodded through every footfall (I could hear each and every one) and hated every minute of it. Purist runners are looking down their lightly perspirated noses on me now, cuz anyone knows a real runner delights in the sounds of their own quiet breathing and the soft touchdown of their feet on the pavement. Real runners get lost in their ethereal thoughts. Not this pseudo runner though; the last thing I want to hear is me gasping for air and my feet hitting the ground so hard it echos throughout the neighborhood. And all I think about is being done. 

Why is this a problem, feeling this frumpy, schlumpy, dumpy, grumpy way? Why not just go with it, sit back in my stretchy pants, and hang out on my sofa with my cyber buddies?


Because I’ve got to be nice this weekend. And it will be like pulling a bowling ball out my hemorrhoidal you know what to do so. It shouldn’t be difficult to be nice; I love love love the people I’m going to have to pay attention to and to interact with and the hardest of all, have meaningful conversation with...but I just want to crawl into bed and watch my new Dish T.V. channels. Wah. 

The only reason I can think of for my current state of mind is that I’ve been walking on eggshells all week, playing mind games with the Kid and feeling the walls close in on me.


Phew. I feel so much better. I might even be feeling  NICE.


Thanks for listening!! You're the bestest. 

Have a great weekend, y’all. 

The Lying Game

Okay, I know I've exceeded the legal limit of talking about this Kid; but since I'm doing that thing I do, that thing I do every day, I'm worrying about him like a dog does his bone.

I've come to the conclusion that lil dub may be about to start his period. Not funny I know. Sheesh, he's only 8: that's much too young.

(What? Boys don't have periods? That is just not fair. Do men have to suffer over anything? Other than their bruised egos?)

Here's my evidence; you be the judge and give me your assessment. An honest, albeit nice opinion. I don't need no more hurt. Screw the double negative. All ideas might will be considered.

Incident #1: Saturday I am sitting on my bed with my laptop doing you know what and in walks the kid. He throws himself across my bed with the phone and starts dialing. Which I think nothing of; he's calling his dad; I know it, he knows it; that's what he does. It's quiet in the room and I can hear a woman say 'hello' after the ringing stops. It's as if she's in the room with us. He quickly hangs up. So, it is clearly a case of dialing a wrong number. No big of a deal, correct?
"Hey, kid, did you dial a wrong number?" I'm chill; who hasn't dialed a wrong number?
"Nobody answered". (did I ask him if anyone had answered the phone?)
"But I could hear a woman say hello, and you were calling Dad, right?"
"NOBODY answered."
"Oh, kid, I could hear a woman's voice and it is no big deal (as I have mentioned) if you dialed a wrong number, happens all the time, you don't need to feel embarrassed, don't worry about it. Just try again."
"NOBODY ANSWERED THE PHONE!"
"Okay, whatever. Just try calling Dad again."
Angry and embarrassed and with tears threatening to overflow his lying eyes he runs from the room and sa-lams his bedroom door. Here's my take on the sitch; he was trying to hide his lying eyes, but you'd think he'd realize...

That I am smarter than him. Or am I?

Three seconds later...

Into my room walks Kid; full on crying.

"WHY DO YOU THINK I LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING? NOBODY ANSWERED THE PHONE!"

Kid stomps out of the room. Again.
I will not pretend that I did not roll my eyes. They are on a continuous spin cycle these days.

Incident #2: Once again he pulled the Fake Sick Drama on Monday. He knows he's fake sick; I know he's fake sick. But other than pulling him by his hair to school, there is no getting him to go. Cajoling, Bribery, Let's talk about your feelings, etc. (But no more threats of grounding, cuz that got me NOWHERE, including California, other than punishing myself.) None of that worked. Looks like I have run out of weapons in my arsenal.

I make Fake Sick days miserable for him. He can't do anything to distract himself but read; I will never take away reading. But what he does is follow me around and pester me and expect me to prepare him food every 15 minutes. Which I won't; which only increases the pestering. He's on his own for food. (It's not like he will starve, there's plenty of easily accessible food and if it's actually mealtime I do make him something.) I called the hubs just around 5 p.m. and told him Kid was his once he got home. Just like when each of my children was a baby; the minute the hubs walked in the door I handed him my sweet little bundle of joy and went into another room for a good cry breather.

Maybe I am just not parenting material. I've suspected this for the past 24 years.

Incidents #3 into Infinity: He throws temper tantrums in the middle of a crowd of people, which for a toddler up to around age 5 is fairly common, even expected; but an almost 9 year old? He pratfalls. He will be walking or even standing perfectly calm, and out of nowhere he becomes possessed by demons and starts throwing himself to the ground. Whereupon, he is injured. For about 10 seconds. I am considering the pond test.

Told me he couldn't SEE the other day. That he couldn't see the tiny digital clock on the microwave from about 20 feet away. (No one can see the damn clock from that far away.) I've been in his classroom, I've seen him in his close to the back row desk, and he can see just fine.

Kid lies constantly (as in incident #1) and in just about any situation. I have no idea what is true and what is not. Seriously, I have no idea if he even knows when he's lying anymore. Kid is manipulating me, I see that, but I don't know if he knows it; at least in a logical way. Obviously something is up; but what?  He came home yesterday upset that someone called him OCD. WTF? Did he misunderstand? Did he make that up? I was wracking my brain trying to come up with insulting names that rhymed with OCD. I got no where with that. Just add that to his everybody hates me litany.

And now, what may be the final straw. Gosh knows, I am hoping this is the final thing he pulls out of his secret stash of oddness and we can get a hold of ourselves and get a grip...both of us...

This morning; Kid was just MAD. About every single thing. ANGRY. I didn't wake him up!! (whatever...did too.) His jacket was dirty!! He ripped it off and threw it to the ground. (Said jacket was not dirty; and so what if it was; he's not exactly picky (normally) about  cleanliness) He will not go to movement class. (what the bejeebies is 'movement class' and why is he now so adamant about not going?) All of this seems so insignificant as I write it. You would have to have been here. I wish you were.

I couldn't wait for that lil bugger to leave. Kid told me he's going to get expelled and my biggest worry is that I will have to spend everyday all day with him. Pestering me.

This isn't my lil dub. Or it WASN'T lil dub up until a few months ago. Maybe I will have to call him Kid from now on.

Yesterday he came home from school in a fairly decent mood; but he did tell me he would not walk to piano lessons. (A 5 minute walk). But he threw in the what if he were kidnapped card, and how do I compete with that? I knew I couldn't drive him, (and had already spoken with his teacher, figuring he wouldn't walk, but I was waiting to see what he was going to say, as if I didn't know, yada to infinity), so he won. Yes, I consider this a battle of wills. Kill me now; cuz I think he's winning.

He flat out told me he wasn't going to practice. But then he told he was going to play the piano. (He loves playing the piano on his own terms.) I had to laugh in spite of all this crapola...he was practicing, the little fart. He thinks he won that battle, and he can think what he wants to. I was totally the victor of that skirmish.

I dread the phone ringing; what if it's the school? My blood pressure rises the closer he is to coming home. And that is just awful, that I feel that way. I dread bedtime with all my heart. He sleeps in our room now because he has a nightmare every night if he doesn't. Full on pierce your eardrums screaming nightmares.

I hate that I'm writing this post. I hate that I will be posting this post. But I will because this is all that I've got in my head, and I need a break. Dumping it onto the blog helps me for some reason. Even though it does expose all my weaknesses as a parent and in general too, I suppose.

Dang it. I'm mad too. My heart is telling to let it go; let him work this out on his own. But I don't know if that is my soft heart or my hard heart talking.

ps I feel that I should say that I am pretty chill about things in front of Kid. I don't accuse him, I rarely confront him, I am trying to let it slide. I act as if it is NO BIG DEAL. Gah. See how well that strategy is working?

pps. see what I mean about the theory of his periods starting? If Kid were a girl, I'd probably be a lot more patient. I'm sexist after all.

ppss. I hereby make a weak, shaky, will probably renege, promise to not talk about lil dub/Kid so much.
Otherwise I will have to make this HIS blog.

Did You Think To Pray?

I’ve been praying a lot lately. For a specific reason. The problem with praying, for me anyway, is that if I don’t have a specific reason, I tend to get lazy and offer up the generic “if You’re really there and if You’ve got the time I have to say that I’d sure like it if everyone I love is safe and protected and that they and I have whatever is Your will and thank you for my family and the day ahead or the day that has passed”. I do try to remember if I’ve told anyone I will pray for them; cuz that is a pet peeve for me; do not tell someone you will pray for them and not do so. But all of that would be on a more typical day that I actually remember to pray. Yes, I will admit it. I often forget to pray. 

I also get even lazier in my thinking; thinking that He knows what I need and want and if I deserve it, well, then I will get it. As if He is keeping score, and doling out prizes to those who earn it. 

But deep down, that isn’t what I BELIEVE. 

Why is that I don’t live what I believe? If I am not living what I deep down believe, that means I’m living a life of what I don’t believe. Right? Yin and Yang? Opposite action and reaction?

It’s not as though I’m living a BIG lie. I’m not covering up any major character flaw. I have absolutely no hidden agenda. Gosh knows that...I spill my guts and what I feel is ‘the truth at the moment’ all frikken over the place. I am an open book that quite a few of my family members would like to check back into the library every once in a while. They don’t have the option of clicking the red X on the upper right corner of their computer screen. 

But faced with a problem, guess where I am? Not where I should be, I tell ya.  First I have to go through the following process: 

Worrying. Fretting. Stewing. Scheming. Talking. Crying. Sometimes Googling. (This is a rather new component.) I think that I will be able to solve whatever the problem is with my own power. I feel myself trying to force things to change with my mind. I feel my mind seize up, bracing for a battle and I think that that energy I conjure up will cause things to go the way I think they should. 

I lose this battle almost every time. I say almost; my will power may seem to be working because the unseen power I’m not using is probably being drawn upon by others and coming in to answer THEIR prayers. More on that later.

When I was very young I became super frustrated quite often by the fact that my prayers were not answered in the way I thought they should. It would rain on a day I specifically requested it not. That supposed friend would not realize the error of their ways and want me back. My parents would not let me do this or not make me do that. My brother would not stop harassing me. (Oh, the simple prayers of a child.) He did not send friends to me even though that would be the only request I would make. One simple request, I thought. Like a letter to Santa...I want this; I’ve been a good girl, therefore I expect it to magically appear, wrapped up and tied neatly with a bow. No, that didn’t happen and I really thought God must hate me. 

I let that resentment fester for many years. It was underneath my soul, hiding there ever so furtively, fed by my misunderstanding and my expectation of perfect. I say I let that resentment have it’s way with me; but really I don’t even know how or if I allowed that to happen. It just did. Like I said before, it wasn’t what I BELIEVED; but it is what I lived. 

It has taken a long, long time, and for reasons I don’t even completely understand, I have begun to realize that praying is less about the specifics and more about the big picture and our part in it.

In a very simplistic way I could say, sure, you can still pray for the sun to shine on your picnic, but pray also to be okay with it if it doesn’t. There is probably someone praying for it to rain. (That’s the more part I promised above!)

But, since when have I been simplistic? 

I’m a work in progress, but there’s been some recent additions. And some releasing of the resentment. 

I’m learning to recognize when I’m trying to use my own power and own will; and trying to get on my knees SOONER to petition for the greater power. 

I’m not even sure I can explain this clearly, (well, duh, I specialize in murky explanations; expect nothing less here!) 

I’m learning for myself, prayer is about the specifics, but not about MY specifics. For example, I have prayed numberless times for a certain situation to happen for a child or two or three or four. But, now I realize that it’s not about what I want or need. It’s about what they or whoever else I might be praying for; it’s about what THEY want or need. It’s their heart and soul. Not mine. 

So, I am learning, and I’m no expert yet, that praying is about thankfulness, yes, and prayers for protection, prayers for comfort, definitely yes, and even prayers for weather conditions; but the overall package of my prayers is the request for a Soft Heart. 

I believe a Softened Heart covers it all. A soft heart is open and willing and patient and teachable. I have personally witnessed the miracle of a soft heart. I imagine a soft heart as being patient with the frailties and weakness I see in others as well in myself. And with this soft heart, my eyes open. Forgiveness comes more naturally. It’s as though a clean, fresh breeze is blowing inside my very being. 

A soft heart also takes whatever is thrown at it; it embraces what is good and stores it within its velvety folds and can gently lay aside the bad. A hard heart can’t absorb the good and the bad usually ricochets onto some other heart. 

At this time, in this specific incident, I’m praying for a soft heart in the hopes of understanding what a certain little person in my house is going through in his own not yet fully understanding mind. I need this soft heart, because my hard head is not working. My willpower and worry and fretfulness and frustration cannot understand or see on its own why he lies, why he pretends that he doesn’t understand, why he says he is sick when he isn’t, why he gets this look on his face of sheer denial. Why he would rather punish himself than listen to me. He's a perfect little child of God; why doesn't he think so?

And whether you believe in prayer or not, developing a soft heart must surely be helpful for anyone who has problems. That’d be all of us, right? Just yesterday I felt the spirit that I feel within whisper to me that this problem isn’t about what I want to do on my own; it’s about him period. I need to understand him and I cannot do it by myself.  

But I believe that a Softened Heart can. And will. A soft heart is a patient one, so I’m not expecting an immediate cure or resolution; but I can sense the comfort of a breeze. 

When you come right down to it, it’s not about what you believe; it’s about what you hope.

Sunday Stealing-My First Time!

This post comes by way of Sunday Stealing which is a meme which is something I am sort of snobbish about which this time I said what the heck this one looks fun and maybe memes really aren't so bad which means maybe I am finally becoming a real blogger. This is what I love about a good meme: it goes from the ridiculous to the sublime.

Part One-Describe:

Your hair: the bane of my existence
Your mother: says I never call; doesn't want to talk if I do call.
Your father: worried about my mother
Your dream last night: as soon as I thought about it I forgot it. I do have the song "I'm Tired of Being Alone" by John Mayer stuck in my head. I wake up every morning with an ear worm; but that wasn't the question, now was it? oops
Your favorite drink: Diet Dr Pepper on ice in a glass
Your dream/goal: to see a real castle in Ireland
The room you are in: warm and cozy
Your hobby obsession: currently blogging and reading
Your fear: death
Your T.V.: to my left, above the fireplace, big, turned off
Your pets: rumor has it that we have a dog
Your friends: not enough; always room for more.
Your  life: better than most
Your mood: mercurial
If you are missing someone: yes; daughter and son in college
Your best friend: Mr. P.

Part Two: The Where's?

Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired; busy; 6 years older yet 6 years younger
Where were you last night? in bed
Where did you grow up? I'm working on that
One place that I go over and over? the down side of bi-polar
Your favorite place to eat? anywhere besides a public buffet
Wish list items? self confidence, cabin, tummy tuck, jaw line, repaired wedding ring
Last time I laughed? just now
Last time you cried? I was sad.

Part 3: The What's

Something that you aren't: good at memes
Last thing you did: answered that last question
What are you wearing? my heart on my sleeve
Something you are not wearing: a necklace
Your favorite store? Nordys

**
Now it's my turn:

1. Do you consider changing your blog's look/style/template more than once a week?
2. Does your child have nightmares almost nightly lately?
3. Do you really understand RSS, HTML, all the ins and outs of blogging, and what your blog is about?
4. If you do, would you be willing to explain to me any or all of the above?
5. Does the sound of someone else eating drive you batty?
6. Do you ever wonder why Keanu Reeves is considered an actor?
7. Do you tell yourself that follower numbers are not important; that your blog is just a way to express  yourself, and if it isn't appreciated then grow up and get over it and sheesh you didn't even know what a blog was less than a year ago, (let alone what followers were)? Part B. Do you ever want to tell me to shut it about the followers already?
8. Are you ever amazed that you can feel a kinship with someone you've never met and who lives thousands of miles away?
9. Do you sometimes crank up some rap music and dance around your kitchen?
10. Do you crave comments? Refer to question #7.
11. Do you ever wish to live in a library?
12. Have you ever wanted to be a fly on a wall in any given situation?
12. Will you wish you skipped this meme and gone with something obscure and/or meaningless?

ME TOO! (well, except for #3 & #4)