Monday, December 19, 2011

misadventures with the Average Family

The A's, [as I am mostly going to call them from now on because I am sick of typing AVERAGE every two words], have noticed these 2 signs every time they've passed through this small city; (other than Albuquerque all the cities they pass through are small). Most are blink your eyes and you'd miss 'em type towns. [Do you ever wonder how and why anyone would want to live in one of those tiny spots in the road? I always want to know what on earth these people do for a living.]

Ah, well, that has nothing to do with anything.

You'll have to look close at the photo to get its full effect and I know it is made somewhat more difficult by the filthy windshield...that blue sky you see is the first they had seen in 7 hours. The A's were driving through rain and snow storms up til then. Actually stopping to take the photo would have made a whole lot more sense...but Mrs A. certainly would never want to appear like an idiot in front of people she will neversee again.

There are just a few more stories from The Average's and their latest trips. All involving hotel rooms. ugh.

There isn't a lot to choose from in the little cities they stayed in. All but one night The A's stayed in the same chain of hotels. Well, "same chain" does not equate "same quality" that's for sure. Or price. In the city Mr A. is from the family stayed in its nicest hotel. This hotel was from the same chain as all the other hotels, but charged $50 more a night. What a gambit they've got going.

In one the other cities they stayed in, as they entered their "suite" they knew right away is was a garbage dump. Although they walked through a super spiffy lobby; the rooms at this place were a step below a pay by the hour motel. [Not that I would have a clue about that]. The bathroom was in the middle section of the room; they had to essentially take care of bidness with the rest of the fam sitting right next to them. They held actual conversations with each other while one was sitting on the pot and the rest of them were lounging on beds made of stone. Mrs A. was constantly grumbling at lil A. to keep everything but his feet off the floor. (Mrs A. is kinda anal). Luckily this kid wears his socks everywhere but in the shower.

So, Mrs A. starts to pull out the sofa bed and she finds a shoe. A tacky white wedding pump. Mr A. took it down to the front desk. Then, as she was making the bed, lil A. finds another shoe. Another trip to the front desk.

Then, as the rest of the Average's are attempting find something to watch on the circa 1990 television, lil A. popped up from his bed with an orange bottle of liquid in his hand. Mrs A. became the bionic woman at this point; everyone else freezing into place and her legs turning in slow motion...across the room screaming at Mr A. to get the bottle from lil A. just as he begins to read the label. lil A. got so far as the words "warming liquid" before it was snatched from his hand.

Blech. In a primeval act of survival it was time to dial down the possible scenarios running through Mrs A's. mind one more notch. She put mental blinders on and attempted to go to a happy place in her mind. As if.

One night, in a different hotel, (the exclusive expensive one, i.e., the only halfway decent hotel within 250 miles), an exhausted lil A. was asleep in his bed while Mrs A. watched T.V.. She was alone with him while Mr A. was still with his family at the hospital with his mother. Mrs A. was watching the T.V. show, "Snapped". Have you seen this? It is like watching a train wreck full of crazy women. Each episode is about women who dream up some completely psycho ways of killing their husband. In this particular episode this nutso to the nth degree woman set her husband's bed on fire, as he was sleeping of course, before she went to work. Nice. A real feel good show. Have these women not heard of DEEEEEVORCE? the middle of the night the hotel smoke alarm went off. OMGEE. Mrs A. popped off that bed before she was even awake. Her first thought was to reach over with her right arm and scoop up her 65 lb baby off his bed and race for the door. [I'm rather proud of her mamabear moment right there]. Her second thought was that she had to pee real bad. Okay, this ear splitting sound is approximately five feet directly over his head and lil A. is still asleep. The alarm is still blaring. Mr A., being the man of the hotel room, feels the door for heat. Then he opens the door and looks down the hallway. They could not smell smoke at all. (Although at one point Mrs. A. imagined she could). No one was running down the hallway screaming. In fact there was no one in the hall at all. Mr and Mrs A. figured it was a false alarm. The screeching alarm was still going strong and lil A. was still snoozing away. Mrs A. called the front desk but the line was busy. They were going deaf, their voices raised in order to be heard...and lil A. is still in the land of nod. Finallythe alarm stopped. Then lil A. woke up. Mr and Mrs A. told lil A. there was nothing to worry about; but lil A. wasn't the least bit concerned cuz lil A. never heard the alarm. After Mrs A. told him the story, lil A. is the one who remembered the "Snapped" episode. So.........lil A. was awake enough to hear the T.V. turned down low but he slept through 5 minutes of a deafening smoke alarm. The older Average children in the room next door didn't even wake up right away. Reassuring, no?

The next night, after a raucous time spent eating and talking with a huge group of family members; with all the cousins working up a sweat running around all over the place, The A's. went back to their hotel room. lil A. was asleep before his head hit the pillow. Mrs A. was just about to go to bed when lil A. pops up off his bed and begins spewing EVERYWHERE. He may have thrown up some internal organs along with his entire dinner. lil A. was totally freaking out, partially because he was only half awake and partially because he had vomit all over himself, the bed, and his precious stuffed animals. (Thankfully only one of 'em had any real damage and Mrs A. came to the rescue and cleaned it up right away.) OMGEE it was gross. They had to take everything off the bed and take it downstairs for a complete change of bedding. Mrs A. filled up the bathtub and threw all of what lil A. had been wearing into it. [gah...why does throw up make you want to throw up?]

The sweet Mr A. could not stand the thought of the innocent hotel staff having to wash out the bedding, so he went back downstairs and rinsed it out the mess the best he could. Over Mrs A's strong protestations that he really didn't need to be so nice. If Mr A. had known they were paying $50 bucks more a night for that hotel room he would not have been so gallant. Mrs A. knows this because Mr A. told her so after she mentioned the extra $50.

Just a few of The Average Family's hotel adventures.

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