Monday, December 19, 2011

The Average Bunch

Who amongst you does not recognize this iconic image? The Brady's and their beloved maid, aka, Alice, (gotta love how she comes before the children in the line-up. And her uniform...did she wear the same dress everyday; laundering it every night? Or did she really have 7 6, (Sundays were for Sam), duplicate uniforms? I must say dressing in the morning must have been a piece of cake for her. Which is ironically appropriate.

That staircase...the planter of plastic foliage...the glowing geometric wall...those white pants...the modern staircase, (which btw I hear is making a comeback), Bobby breaking into dance or just clowning around, (he must be 9 years old in that picture).

Sigh. I could go on and on, (per usual), about my love affair with the Brady Bunch. Greg and Marcia scorching up the television screen with their sexual tension, just look at her sidling up to Greg... (and innocent little me too young to think anything of it). Peter, who was really the cute one, yet upstaged by the supposed cooler older brother. Bobbie, the jester. Marcia; the girl we loved to hate, or was it hated to love? Her hair. Oh, her hair. Jan-the picked on one; whom I most identified with. I knew she understood my insecurities. Although I never did know why she felt so insecure--she was a Brady after all. And pouty little Cindy, with her cute little lisp and that cute little doll like face. Even her hair was like shiny doll hair. Maybe I just had a Cindy doll and my memories are messing with me. Oh, how I wanted to be a Brady child.

[What were they taking to make them so darn happy 99% of the time? I want me some of dat].

Okay...My point here is this: What was up with the Brady's and their house? Granted, It was a nice house. Although did you ever notice that the outside facade did not match the interior? (A psychological model of the Brady family themselves?) I have always had an eye for these things. I am oddly observant over such trivial matters.

They loved their house with a peculiar passion. I never understood their attachment to this rather average house. Every chance they had to move, and they had many of those, while they seriously considered the situation, they struggled with their emotional attachment. They had flashbacks of their memories of their the good times and the bad times, (a tried and true way to make an episode out of old clips), and invariably they chose to stay in their beloved home. Sheesh, what was up with this damn house? Mike was an architect for shiz sake...why didn't they just build a new one if bigger is what they needed?!! His forte did seem to be office design however. (Did I ever consider that the producers of the show would not want to go the expense of a new set? No, this show was far too real for me in an incomprehensible sort of way.)

Why bring this up? Other than to allow myself to reminisce over my all time favorite childhood fantasy?

Because the Average's are considering moving. Mr Average's office is relocating, changing his 5 minute commute to a 45 minute one, (in non rush hour time). (I realize that for some of you 45 minutes might be a short commute; but for us out here in the wild west it is significant). Mr Average works long days as it is...leaving around 7 am and usually not home until 6 pm. He sets his own hours; he just has a busy job. (Mrs Average is truly grateful Mr Average has a job). This new commute would add about 1 1/2 hours to his workday.

Then there is the $500 a month in gas.

Mr and Mrs Average have also have been wanting a bigger lot for quite a while...they have the standard 1/4 acre lot now...they would really like 3/4 to an acre.

Mrs Average is so not in love with her neighborhood.

The shopping sucks.

But they LOVE their house. There is hardly a thing Mrs Average would change about the house itself. She loves the floor plan and the outside elevation. (Which is a match). She loves its symmetry. Mr and Mrs Average live in a somewhat secluded location. There is a beautiful canyon minutes from their door.

The Average's think they've found a nice lot much closer to his new office. They can have another house built. If it came right down to it I suppose they could have the same floor plan if they really wanted. But, The Average's would do some things differently...face it, they're getting really really old so a main floor master bedroom would be a definite must.

The Average's are also pretty certain we will move at some point. It's probably better to move baby Average while he's still in elementary school as opposed to Jr High or High School. (Am I right, youngest Average girl child?)

It's a pretty spot there as well, though not as secluded. There is a beautiful canyon nearby. (What is it with The Average's and their canyons?) Much faster time to the airport. Closer to family. Great shopping and access to the state Capital; which translates into concerts and plays, you know, culture, etc. (Cuz The Average's are nothing if not cultured. bwahaha).

There you have it. The Brady Bunch and The Average Bunch have so much in common. Mrs Average is living her wildest dream; she feels like she is Carol Brady, (although she will never be as hip and cool as Carol; so above average). The Average's have found themselves in the very predicament the Brady's so often did. They are channeling Mike and Carol as best they can; making pro and con lists, thinking of the kids, Mrs Average fretting, Mr Average in his office doing who knows what.

What will The Averages do? Will Mrs Average ever go to bed with full makeup? Will Mr Average ever wear a pair of white pants? Will the Average children ever cooperate long enough for a staircase photo? (No sexual tension with the Average children. Blech. Double blech. Triple blech. yeah yeah, I get it...they weren't really related. The Brady Bunch kids I mean.)

What should they do?

Stay tuned.


*We are so taking a family staircase picture the next time we are all together*

note to self: MUST GET ME AN ALICE.
another note to self: that picture gets creepier by the minute.

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