Monday, December 19, 2011

choosing my words

week in review.

Monday:

trembling fingers clasped in a mother's loving fist peel away one by one until only an invisible thread which forever connects keeps his heart from pounding through his chest. resolve melting and resignation to the realization that she is gone but will be waiting for him to clasp him to her chest and smooch his school smell soaked head until he cries stop! can I go play? the mind plays games with us and is a lying cheater. always one sneaky step ahead.

Tuesday:

eyes open wide with disbelief at words sent when eyes were dreaming. brain doesn't react as quickly as the eyes and tears flood through folds of the fibers knotted together with memories and lists and plans and inconsequentialness before forcing outward through eyes now throughly awake. imagining the worst but hearing the best. it's ok. for now. Thank you for NOW.

later:

three little words good, starving, and what was that last one? bored? who cares? 3 hours spent driving, waiting, and listening to those 3 words was all worth each and every second, worth the pain. pain that really isn't pain that hurts. one and one half years of miscommunication and misunderstanding and quite honestly, denial. dial back 3 weeks with words of curl up in a ball and die and thoughts of cutting tearing at the ears and a face with sunken eyes only seen with a tip of a finger forcing a heavy head upwards. a head that was beginning the curl on its way to meet the knees of the sweetest lil boy in the world. a hint. he often has smelly school hair.

There are those who disagree with medicating children. When it is my child, when it is your child, I will come out fighting. Did you hear those words?

Wednesday:

Wednesday was the day I posted Random Tuesday Thoughts. No one got it. I did though. Made perfect sense to me.

No one reads this anymore anyway so anything I say is sensible. To my mind and eyes. Eyes Ear and Nose. Throw in the shoulders and the knees, heck thrown in the whole of me.

Hi, I'm RICH. Why did I want to laugh, so much so that I bit my tongue, when he introduced himself. Plaid shirt and red tie adding to his clownish introduction. Not his fault. I'm just too aware, too ready to analyze every second I'm given. Rich being the guy that's going to help work out some words. Get some words out. Make words make sense. I have no faith that Rich could ever help me with my state of mind, but immense faith that his words will be absorbed by smelly head. ah. I must check my cynicism at the door because I will do anything, ANYTHING, to keep those fingers from trembling. Not my fingers silly. I do the holding; the wrapping sealing coating. Always using protection. oh, to have that much control. what is my life isn't really.

I know enough to know that it doesn't matter how tight the grasp time will change the shape of the fingers and keeping up will mean letting go.

For now 'I'm Rich' will be my our hope.

by the way weirdo who comes out of nowhere with his boomish voice like hey listen to me and after yak yak yakking disturbing my thoughts and wanting a phone book, who uses a phone book anymore? And then he is talking to me. TO ME! Is that a Nook? Nope. Oh, I'm thinking of getting a Nook for my wife.

frankly, I don't care.

Thursday:

movie day!! "how do you know". hahahaha. if that isn't ironic I don't know ironic. Cute movie, but I knew long before she did.

I wish I'd known what he did. What he thought he knew. What he was thinking. GOSH DARN IT. I did know. I saw the signs. I didn't try hard enough, I didn't push hard enough. You remember, don't you? Sometimes when they drive you crazy, stop and ask yourself, why?

Friday:

Good day. Watched "Easy A" with my girls before lil dub came home from school. DIRTY FUNNY. ohmy...thought I was gonna stop breathing for a moment.

I've had several of those moments this week. Several moments, some that lasted for more than a simple moment, of deep breaths. 12345678910

People. If there are any people out there besides chicagosexpertmovers, (check YOUR stats), I don't know any other way to write. I want to write well and get all my facts straight and be entertaining... but I've got to be me. Although I try quite often to be anything but me. I find myself looking at that follower thingamajig and daydreaming of being the one you can't wait to see. I also find myself looking at my blog list and realizing I've got some editing to do. I want to make it simple and be straight up and honest and admit I want to do this blog thing. So bad I think about it far too much. How do you know when to loosen a hopeless grip and let go?

Three words.

I don't know.

okay, three more.

what to do.

12 comments:

  1. Where have you been? You've suddenly popped back up in my reader again. I was on hiatus for a while. I've missed your ramblings. ;)

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    (Sorry I'm a bit behind. I went blog MIA the last few weeks - Christmas preps and the stomache flu kicked my behind.)

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