an attempt at articulating

So, how have y'all been? How was you Valentime's* Day? Mine was terrible cuz I hate Valentimes Day; I think it has something to do with my mother combining my birthday with Valentimes Day although they are 10 freaking days apart and for some inexplicable reason having a heart shaped cake  insulted me, (stupid me for one reason, because in reality she probably made a heart shaped cake one year); and decorating with red and pink, a color combo I hate to this day, (stupid me twice, cuz here I had a super creative and talented Mom and I didn't appreciate it). And then there's the pressure. juhknow what I mean.


This year I was in such a Valentime's Day schlump, (hecktors, I am in a general sclump that has nothing to do with Valentimes; as evidenced by my lack of good bloggerly friendship lately. I'm sorry.), that the hubs took care of it all. Even though we had agreed to not buy anything for each other, a rule I followed and he didn't, and although I am ALWAYS the one who puts together a little sumpin for the kids, he did. More evidence of why I love this man.


So, last Friday I was in the car with lil dub, driving to the mall for the express reason to get him a prize which he had earned for piano practice. (Bribery is a parents best motivational tool). I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this story will have something to do with Valentime's Day. It doesn't.


So, we are like two traffic lights away from said Mall when from the back seat I hear these words, "It must really hurt when a baby has to come out a girl's 'anatomical part euphemism for penis'."


Okay, I can't just let this go. (That's what she said). All this time lil clueless lil dub has been under the impression that girls and boys have with the same private parts. 


So, I asked him, "Do you think girls have the same private parts as boys?"


So, he says, "Yeah, only their's are on the inside."


Okay, I can't argue with him there. Technically this is true. Equally as techically though, a girls baby making parts are not called whatever euphemism for penis he was using at this point.


So, after his original 'where do babies come from' talk, must have lil dub left with the impression that girls have, you know, an euphemism. 


Okay, when I was a lil girl I was positive that boys had periods. Cuz God would never be that cruel as to only stick us girls with this curse. But that's a decades worth of other posts.


Because, I can't let him keep on thinking this...I have just 2 stoplights to straighten out this misconception. Because, when I suggested that we talk about this when we got home, he strongly objected to the idea. 


So, it was time to bring out the correct words for the boy parts and the girls counterparts. 


So, I did. And as with most kids, he took it all in stride. He's matter of fact about it but I'm just a little more hesitant to use words like penis and vagina. When I use those words in a sentence they always seem to echo in my head; PENIS penis penis VAGINA vagina vagina. (Of course he already knew penis; boys are born with a fascination with their reproductive organ. They know what that thing is called from the get go). The second word he's heard and knew it had something to do with girls, just not what. 


So, basically I told him that girl's have a vagina and babies come out 'down there', at which he point he began giggling and found it hysterical that a baby came outta the butt where you poo. (Which is not what I had said; he just drew this conclusion).


So,  I had to tell them about the 3 different anatomical areas located in close proximity on a girl's body. I told him that a boy's reproductive organ is on the outside; a girl's is on the inside. That what's inside a boy's gets into a girl's and that's how a baby is made. I told him how miraculous our bodies are. I explained in the most simplest way I could think of that something magical happens to make you know where big enough for the baby to come out cuz he was obviously puzzled by this. How could something the size of a baby come out of such a small hole? (The whole time I am flinching everytime he says the word "hole").


Well, after this 5 minute updated version of the BIG TALK, (thank you hubs for not making certain things clear), I am fairly certain he has things straightened out in his mind. For now. Right after I say "Hey, let's not talk about his in the mall", he says, "So, why did God have to make a boy's private parts hurt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much whenever they get hit but not a girl's? Mom, do you KNOW howmuch that hurts?". I must say I really don't.  (Thank you "America's Funniest Home Videos" for teaching lil dub he is not alone). 


Clearly, he's just as delusional as his mother. And clearly my mothering skills are improving after all these years. I don't remember ever having this discussion with my other children. They must've learned about girl and boy parts on the playground, where really, all kids should.


So, then we get into the mall and some clerk insinuates that I am lil dub's grandmother. Yeah, it was a terrific day.


And, what is is with people thinking they're the only person on the planet who needs to peruse the Valentime's Day Cards? 


*Valentimes: euphemism for Valentine's. Once you hear your preschooler say "Happy Valentime's Day"you never go back.